Thursday, June 26, 2014

This is me...

This is less of a rant and more of a therapy session for myself, I think...


So, I've had a LOT of time to think about some things lately.  First off being I am really down lately. I am normally one of the most positive people, always glass half full, not worrying about things because worry never solve anything.  But I find myself sitting at home crying for no reason, driving down the road crying for no reason, taking a shower crying for no reason....so I think I just need to get some things off my chest and maybe clear the air for me some.


I think the heaviest thing weighing on me right now is how some members of my family seem to think that it's ok to pick and choose when they want to be a part of my life.  I have certain members that have not seen or had a conversation with me or my children since around 2008. And this was in part due to the person that I was involved with, then later married to...again.  This is my theory on this situation...  I am not perfect, and I have made more mistakes than I care to count.  But, there is NOTHING in this WHOLE WIDE WORLD that would make me not want to talk to or see my children or grandchildren. I am sure in the future there will be times that I do not agree with decisions they make or the people they date, but I would freakin' suck it up, possibly make my opinions known, but still make EVERY effort to be in their lives. I don't care how old they are, they are my children and I will love them unconditionally.  That being said, I feel like I was given up on and tossed away because I was trying to be happy and working on my family. Even if I'm not in a relationship with him, guess what, he will be in my life, he is the father of my children and there are things we have to do and decisions we have to make together, as parents. You don't have to like my decisions, you don't have to approve of my decisions, but dammit... as a parent IT IS REQUIRED that you love and support your children.  I guess I might not ever understand... because now that we are separated again, they are trying to be a part of my life again. That's not the way this is supposed to work...


Second off...I seem to have lost several friends over the years. I don't have any real close friends like I used to. I have one I love very much, and that friendship is fairly new, we've only known each other for 6 months, but feels like much longer.  I miss the friends that I had, and part of that is my fault for leaving the state like I did last year, because some of the friends I feel I lost, I worked with and when I left my job, the friendships went with it.  Unrelated friendship...I went driving the other day to try to clear my head and drove past an old friends house, someone I have known since I was about 12 or so, someone I spent many, many nights just talking about anything and everything.  I even saw him outside as I passed his house, but unfortunately I didn't feel I was close enough to him anymore to even stop and say hi.  That hurt my heart more than you can imagine. As much as I cherish the friend that is my soul sister here in Lebanon, I can't wait to move back to Camdenton so I might be able to build some of those friendships back up. I miss you...


And third....my work hours are stressing me to no end. I freakin' LOVE what I do, but working nights and only sleeping 3, 4, sometimes up to 6 hours (if I'm lucky) is taxing my mind, my body and my soul.  I have been looking for a daytime position for months now, and nothing is opening up for me and I am getting very frustrated.  My boys don't like to be at my house when I am working because I sleep half the day away when they are there, which I completely understand, I wouldn't want to be there either if I were them. They have been living with their dad and just visiting me on my weekends/days off and that is taking a huge toll on me as well.  I have never been away from them for any length of time, and I miss them more than I can ever say. They are the main reason I am moving back to Camdenton as soon as I can. They both want to go to school there, and if I am in another school district, then they can't be with me whenever they want, and that really does not work for me. I am a mother, first and foremost...there's not a lot I know how to do besides be a mother, that's all I have ever been...and I think I'm good at it. At least I hope so...


It's funny I am writing this on the blog that I started back when I started a weight loss journey a couple years ago....as that is another thing that has me unhappy.  I am overweight, I feel terrible most days, I have headaches, and back aches and knee pain.  I hate the way I look, but I've always given up on being healthy. I'll eat right, go to the gym, lose some weight, feel better, then something always gets in the way, just life normally, but I let it...not an excuse, just the truth. You know, I watch some of these weight loss shows on television and they all say that there are things inside that make us the way we are on the outside. Things in our lives that make us overeat, not feel worthy of being healthy, and I used to think that I didn't have any of that stuff. I had a pretty happy childhood, I was not abused mentally or physically. I was pretty physically active, playing with my brother and cousins a lot. My mother told me that I became anorexic at a very young age because of something someone said to me about eating too much or something of the sort. Then after that was under control....I don't know, I guess she didn't want it to happen again so I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted.  I don't remember being anorexic, but I don't remember a whole lot from before I was about 5 or 6 years old.  But anyway, back to the whole "things on the inside" that make us the way we are....I've tried every get thin quick idea out there, I've been on prescription medication, over the counter medication, tried almost every "diet," bought books upon books, and workout dvd's, gym memberships....but every time I give up on myself.  Maybe it was because my mother and biological father divorced when I was young and as far as I know, he made no real attempt to be in my life...he gave up on me.  As an adult I cannot count the times my mother has not spoken for me for given lengths of time because of decisions I've made...she gave up on me. My marriage has not ended once, but twice....we gave up on each other.  I want to be there for my kids, I don't want to die at an early age and not be there for them....I don't want them to feel like I gave up on them.


So this is me....getting all this out.  Putting all this hurt on paper (digital paper) and hoping that it helps relieve some of the worry, hurt and stress I've had the last several months.


This is me, standing up and taking back my life.


This is me, wanting to be loved....deserving to be loved.


This is me, starting over...again.

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