Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Day 27 of 90

So tomorrow marks 4 weeks into my challenge.  Again, not looking forward to weighing in.  Still haven't been getting to the gym, still haven't been doing the videos at home.  Have been trying to walk at the ball park, but doesn't always happen. 

I feel like this blog has just became a whining board for me.  I don't ever seem to be getting anywhere, and I know that is my own fault.  I am sorry for those of you that read this!

I only have 2 more weeks or so of ball games, hopefully the gym portion of my journey will open back up a bit!  I had some more tools given to me by Kassi with the ViSalus company.  She hooked me up with some protein packed chocolate chip cookies, which are divine, as well as some energy "stuff" and some appetite control.  Today is the first day using these tools.  The one thing I can say so far... I took one of the energy packets at lunch as I was yawning during my lunch hour.  I don't remember yawning since.  I wasn't really feeling tired, just yawning.  But again, no yawning. 

Things have been a little crazy around my house lately, I have had alot of things going on, alot of things NOT going on, and it has been a little stressful and hectic.  I am hoping things will get back on track soon.  Wish it was something I had control over, then I would just fix it.  But alas, tis not... so I will wait it out, and hope for some good news soon.

Thanks to everyone for hanging with me on this journey.  It hasn't really been going as planned- weight loss, working out, cooking, or this blog, but I will get it lined out soon.  It's a trial and error, seems like more error than trial on my part, but still working for it!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Day 20 of 90

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks into my challenge.  I am not looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow.  I will measure tomorrow as well.  I am hoping for some change in inches, as the scale is betraying me!  LOL  I am a little scared that the inches will not have changed either, but that is completely my fault too, so no one to blame but me!  I think my mindset has taken a vacation.  At the beginning of the year, I was going to the gym everyday.  I enjoyed going to the gym everyday.  It's not that I have changed my mindset, I still want to see this through.  I just think that it's taken some time off.  And I don't really have time for that.  I have a certain goal, and unfortunately, I am not sure I will reach my initial goal by the end of the year.  I just have to get my mind, body, and heart back on track and I can reach my goal.  Maybe not by the end of the year, but I will reach it nonetheless.  

I am the creator of my own destiny.  I am the one that makes the decisions on how I live my life.  And I want to live my life to the fullest.  With that being said, decisions on my part need to be made.  Motivation and determination need to be the new mindset.  I know how hard it is growing up overweight.  I don't want my kids to have to endure that pain and rejection that many of us have went through.  On a positive note, being overweight through school has "toughened" me up a bit.  Things don't get to me like they used to.  When something happens that I don't like, I deal with it and move on.  I don't dwell on things too long.  I have learned that being upset about what people say about you, or dwelling on an argument you have had, just takes time away from you being happy or being productive.  I have been ridiculed my entire life, mostly over my weight.  But let me tell you one thing... I promise I know what it is like.  I have went through it all.  In school, not only was I overweight, but I wore glasses, and had braces.  So trust me... I have been where you have been, I have went through what you have went through.  

When you look in the mirror, see what you want to see.  See what's in the inside, and it will project to the outside.  As long as you are happy with who you are, inside and out, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  

I am overdue on my readiness for change.  I have been ready for change for years.  I just haven't really worked for the change.  I will get my motivation back, whether it likes it or not!  I just have to be tough with it.  I have to be tough with myself.  I will have to deprive myself of the things that I think I want.  That cookie, that cake, those chips are not worth it.  Today, the change comes back!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Day 19 of 90

So really feeling down in the dumps.  I cannot seem to stop eating.  The scale is not moving down, in fact it is creeping back up.  Still not back to my starting weight of this 90 day challenge, but close.  My stress has taken a huge toll on my willpower.  I am craving all kinds of junk, cookies, candy, cakes, chips... it's not good!

And I am SOOOO tired!  I know part of it is because I forget to take my vitamins.  Something about the days I take them, I am not quite as tired, but most of it is because I am being sedentary.  I was almost never TIRED when I was working out.  I may have been exhausted, or worn out, but never tired.   So, here's the plan...

With all the ball games and other things going on right now, it is just not feasible for me to go to the gym after work like I had been.  I love going to the classes I was going to, but they start right after work on days that I have ball games on some nights.   Every week the game schedule is different, so it is hard to make a schedule of my own.  So, the day will just have to start early.  I can do early.  I get up at 5:30 am on Saturday mornings so my boys can be at ball practice by 7:00.  I guess I can do that any other day. 

People have asked me if I plan to stay on the shakes the rest of my life.  The answer is I don't know.  There are people that have lost weight, then maintained with one shake a day.  If you love the shakes that much, why not have it for breakfast?  Then maintain a healthy eating habit the rest of the day.  When not stressed (for me) the shakes gave me energy, they made me feel better.  So, I don't know what the answer is right now, but I don't have to figure that out yet.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Day 14 of 90

So today marks 2 weeks in on the 90-day challenge.  I am not doing so hot, though.  I am actually up a pound from last week.  That means my total lost for the 90 days is 1 1/2 pounds so far.  Very disappointed in myself, but that is ok.  I am feeling so super stressed lately, and my face is really showing it.  I am broken out so bad, I feel like I am 15 again. 

Today is my birthday, and I wish I could feel better about myself.  I am upset with myself for eating like I did over the weekend.  And for the snacks that I should be eating, healthy snacks instead of crackers and such.  I know I should move on, but when the scale doesn't move, it's like my motivation is stuck with it.  I just don't know how to change that. 

I have clothes to change into tonight, and the plan is to walk laps before my son's baseball game.  It's just so hard when there are people that stop to talk or something like that. 

I know the scale hasn't moved much, but my clothes feel slightly different, so even if the pounds are moving on the scale, they are moving in the body.  And that is the most important thing.  I still love my shakes.  They fill me up so well.  It's the snacking (when I am not hungry) that is giving me pains.  I am so jealous of women that can eat whatever they want and not gain any weight.  And there are some out there, I know a few of them. 

Time to move forward.  Time to get this together.  Actions, not words!  I can do this!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Day 12 of 90

Ok, so I am going to stop counting the days into the year I am, and right now focus on the days I am into the 90-day challenge.  Gets too confusing the other way.

I haven't weighed since last Thursday.  New weigh-in day is 2 days away.  I am really concerned about it.  I have some extra things weighing on my mind these days, and Sunday my good food choices were nowhere to be found!  Hubby and I were both just feeling the need for junk.  I don't really know what it was, but just ate a bunch of stuff I didn't even want, and of course they were horrible choices. 

I have said in the past that I don't normally eat emotionally, but I think this is the exception to my rule.  I don't know what it has been here recently, but with stuff going on in our lives, I have been a bit more stressed than normal (especially since I am really good at letting things roll off my back, not worrying about a whole lot, just a "what will be, will be" mentality!)  Not only have I not been eating properly, I have not been exercising, and making up almost any kind of excuse not to... which makes for a grouchy, exhausted Billie.  Not good! 

I am in such a self-loathing state of mind right now.  I am hating myself for letting myself fall back into the no-workout routine.  I loved going to the gym, and it was part of my routine at the first of the year... now it seems I can't hardly get the energy to walk around the ball field a couple times.  And it is nothing but the fact that I am not exercising.  I still feel great taking the shakes.  I have not hunger pangs, just making bad choices.  They fill me up completely, and have not been craving anything (well except for Sunday, just had a hankerin' for junk then...).  I still get to eat normal food, so I am not depriving myself of anything.  I just don't get it. 

This is probably why me working out at home has never worked out.  Because I find reasons not to.  I have all kinds of workout videos at home, just never seem to a) get them done in the first place or, b) continue them on a routine basis.

Well, I hope things get better.  This stress stuff is for the birds! 

Friday, May 4, 2012

Day 123 or Day 8 of 90

So today is Day 8 of the 90-day challenge.  I weighed in yesterday at 276.8 pounds, which is 2 1/2 pounds down from day 1 of the challenge.  My husband is down 4 pounds and our friend that started the challenge with us was down 3 pounds.  That is without any exercise on at least mine and my husband's part.  Not because we don't want to, just because we have been so busy with ball games and practice, and general life...

Again back to the organizational skills of myself... just need to schedule it in and do it, just not sure when I will have that opportunity.  I will probably start working out at home, because games are always after work, and practice is at 7:30 am on Saturdays!  Way too early.  I definitely just need to walk on those Saturday mornings instead of sitting and watching.  That's what games are for...

The shake thing is going great.  I definitely need to get more recipes down, and get the stuff to keep on hand to make more than just the 4 or 5 I have been making.  Not that I don't love the shakes I am making, because I do, but the hubby likes more variety than I do... LOL.

I got my three people to sign up under me, so my shake mix for the next month is FREE!  Who doesn't love FREE?!

This is the year than my beginnings are bygones.  I am ready to make my ending whatever I want it to be.  Not what it was going to be, which was probably shorter than anyone wanted.  I want to be here to enjoy my kids and grandkids.  I want to be able to play with them, not just hold them and look at them...

I can see the road ahead, and it is a long one.  But it is a bright one.  It is lined with good intentions, and great health.  It was funny this morning, my friend, Deanna told me that I could borrow her skinny shorts (size 4) when I lose all my weight.  I told her that if I ever got down to a size 4, she better expect me on her doorstep with hands outstretched!  I doubt I will ever make a size 4, and that is ok with me.  I am looking for health, at whatever size that comes in.  I just know it's not the size I am right now!

I hope everyone takes advantage of the gorgeous weekend we have coming up.  Get out at move (as I will aspire to do on Saturday morning)!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Day 120- 5 of 90-day Challenge

So, this is day 120 of the journey as a whole.  I know I promised pictures, and I have them, but they are not where I would want them to be.  Which is ok, as it is a work in progress and I am working (if not slowly) towards the goal.  What I have is a before and after shot, as close to the original pose as possible.  I will post at the end of this, if nothing else but to make you read the whole thing... LOL!

It is Day 5 of my 90-day Challenge.  I am not feeling as good as I did a few weeks ago when I was on my samples, but I am almost positive that is because of it being that time of the month.  I don't know what it is, but the last couple years, I get exhausted, and weak, and crabby of course.  I with there was something that would take care of that!  And I think I am doing it.  Losing weight will help, I am told. 

I haven't weighed back in since I started my 90 day challenge.  I am trying to be good, and only weigh in once a week or so.  That week is not until Thursday.  We shall see if I can wait that long.  Still doing pretty good with meals with the family.  Haven't been too horrible.  We did go to a going away party for my husband's cousin, and I did indulge in a hamburger and a hot dog.  YUM! 

This morning I had a peanut butter cup for breakfast, and of course my fave, a banana cream pie for lunch.  Not sure what I will have for dinner, as I forgot to lay something out of the freezer....

I am going to have to start getting back to the gym, or walking on the nights the boys have ball games or something.  This weight is not coming off like it should.  And it would help with the tiredness I am feeling at the moment.  I am going to try to do the Insanity videos.  I haven't tried those yet, so we shall see how that goes.  If all goes well, I should see some real results!  That is, if I don't have a heart attack while doing them.... LOL.

Ok, so here are the pictures.  I am going to cut this off for today.  It has been crazy at work, and I normally write during my lunch hour, but that has been a little crazy lately too.  So, trying to squeeze this in whenever I can...