Friday, March 30, 2012

Day 88- 279.4 pounds

Yes, it went up.  Yes, I am ok with it.  My fingers were super swollen last night.  Even though I ate within my calorie goal, I did have Hamburger Helper last night (which is laden with sodium) and it is about 3 days from the start of my "hell week".  I have been really good this week about keeping my portions down, my calories in my allotment, I just have to continue on over the weekend.  

This is a super short post, and I am sorry for that, but have lots to do.  Hope everyone has a great weekend, sounds like it is going to be GORGEOUS here!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Day 87-278.6 pounds

Down just a bit from yesterday, always good to see the downward motion on the scale.  I am currently working on recipes, and have a pretty good sized list right now, but can always use more, so if you have something that is low fat/calorie and that my KIDS would eat, please feel free to send them my way.  My hope is that I will try these recipes, and post them on here, so you can see them, have the recipe and know if they are worth attempting!  

I still have not completed anything on my vision board.  Which is ok, but not ok.  I am a very visual person.  I can read something in a book or on tv and retain it well, you read something to me, or I just hear it somewhere, I have a hard time repeating it, let alone retaining it.  The point is, that I want something that I am going to look at EVERY morning as I am going through my daily routine.  It's ok that I don't have it done, it's just something I will have to work on.  It's not ok that I don't have it done, because I WANT IT DONE!  LOL

I think I am going to have to postpone the 90 day photos, as I haven't really gotten as far as I had hoped.  So maybe I will shoot for 120 days, add another month in there, and see what happens.  My husband and I had a pretty in-depth talk last night.  I told him that we have been making those bad choices on the weekends, and all that does is make me have to start over every freakin' Monday!  I am little tired of that.  So, hopefully he will help me with my menu planning, and keeping on track (cuz some of that is his fault, too!)  We go to the store, and he says, how about some Oreos....OK.  We just need to keep on track over the weekends too, not just weekdays.  Because the weekdays are not the problem, I don't overeat or eat the wrong things during the week, as I am limited to what I have bought and bring to work with me.  

I have come to the understanding that my desire to make this change has not been greater than my desire to stay the same I am.  I have finally reached that point where I am more than disgusted.  I have the desire to be there for my kids, I want to be able to go hiking with them or be able to ride amusement park rides (when and if we ever get to go on vacation!), which I think I am too big to do right now.  The change will come, I will make it come!

I am going to try to change it up a bit at the gym.  I don't think I am pushing myself like I was when I started.  I am not walking as fast as I used to, and that's not because I don't want to, but because I feel I can't.  It seems as if I have gotten in worse shape, and that has a lot to do with going to gym every day for two months, and then not going for 2 1/2 weeks.  It just doesn't work, your body goes into like a hibernation or something, and says, OK time to slow down....ummm no, go faster please!

Going back to something my friend Ashley told me... you have to make small steps.  Don't worry about your workout tomorrow, don't worry about what you are going to eat tomorrow, don't worry about whether you will lose weight tomorrow.  Because when you are worrying about all the things that COULD happen TOMORROW, you are NOT concentrating on what is happening TODAY.  And that takes the strength out of you.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Day 86- 279 pounds!

So far this is the lowest I have been.  I think I got down to 279.6 before, but I can't keep track.  I have hopped back up on the wagon, and hope to stay there for a very long time.  I know I can do this.  I have so many people that have faith in me, I should have faith in myself.  But that is SO HARD to do, when I have been one of those people who have never had alot of self-esteem.  But it is slowly building.  I think once you have lived with obesity your entire life, you get used to it, you don't think of yourself as "that overweight" or "too big."  I looked at my before photos (which are still saved on my phone, so I can look at them when I feel the need) and thought, WOW, do I really look like that??  The answer was YES YOU DO!  I watch the Biggest Loser religiously, some of those women weigh what I weigh or a little more/little less....and I honestly have thought to myself, even though they weigh EXACTLY what I weigh, I don't look like that.  The response to that is....YES YOU DO!!!  Do something to change it!

This is not about a diet anymore.  This is about a life change.  And I can change it at my pace.  I want it done now, but know that is not going to happen.  So, I vow to make small changes that will change my life for the better.  I want to be happy with my self, I want to be healthy for myself and my family, I want to be energetic with my kids, and hopefully be energetic with my grandkids, I want to FEEL as sexy as my husband thinks I am, and I want to be the person on the outside that I am on the inside!

I went to the gym last night.  I only made it through two rounds of my circuit exercises, and 25 minutes on the treadmill.  By the end of that I was out of breath and exhausted.  It has been awhile since I have been in there working out everyday like I had been, so it is going to take a day or two to get my stamina back up.  I understand that....but I don't have to like it!  In the next several months, it is going to get crazy.  We have baseball practice every Wednesday and Saturday morning, and then when games start we will have games 2-3 nights a week, plus a Saturday practice.  I am going to have to start walking outside at the park, or find a video I can do at home.  Because some nights, I am just not gonna be able to make it to the gym.  And that scares me!  

Quesadillas last night were a hit, as always!  I have posted some pictures of pizza I had a while back that was very good too, and the kids love that as well.  I haven't even made out my menu for the rest of the week, so I can't tell you what is for dinner tonight, but part of me getting up and out to the gym, is also going to have to be getting up and off the couch at home.  There are things I can do besides sit and watch TV or read.  I have a vision board to make, and recipes to try!  Slow changes, just bear with me!!

Hope everyone has had a chance to enjoy the beautiful weather we are having here in mid-Missouri.  It is gorgeous out, just wish I wasn't sitting at a desk for most of the day!

 Make the right choices!  Or at least try to!  
Try your best, and you never fail!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Day 85- 281.4 pounds

I was having some issues with my back last week, it was out and needed the chiropractor's touch.  I finally got it adjusted on Friday afternoon.  My back was hurting so bad, we missed the gym several times last week.  Usually it was making it feel better, but it got so bad, and then it wasn't helping.  I am still down from the last time I posted, which was about a week ago, so that is a good thing!

I haven't been working on my goals I had set for myself either.  I have compiled some recipes I would like to try, but haven't gotten to the actual making of the recipes.  I felt so horrible almost all of last week, it was kinda silly on my part to make those goals.  I went home and sat on the heating pad all night!  

It feels like I am starting over again, again.  Another lost week at the gym.  Another week of not watching what I was eating.  I am not sure how I lost weight over the last week, but I am so thankful I did.  I was dreading getting on that scale this morning, you can't even imagine.  

There is a recipe I will share with you, which will be dinner tonight.  I have been making these for a while now, but just make them now with reduced fat cheese.

Super Cheesy Chicken Quesadillas
Flour Tortillas
Chicken Breast
Jalapenos (optional)

(I am just giving you general amounts, as I don't ever measure any of it but mine, and I make more for my kids because they are PIGS!! LOL)

Cook your chicken (I usually use about a pound, and you can also use the already cooked strips, to make it super fast as well.)  Add about a 1/4 cup of salsa, just to give it the flavor.  Place one tortilla in skillet (no oil needed), top 1/2 with cheese and chicken mixture, cook for 1-2 minutes, then fold over, turn over after another minute and cook another 1-2 minutes or till cheese is melted and tortilla is crispy (to your desired doneness).  Take out of pan onto a cutting board, make triangles with a pizza cutter or knife. (just like the restaurant, and better...according to my boys!)

My family LOVES these!  And if you follow directions on food labels (chicken, cheese, salsa) one quesadilla should be under 500 calories! 

I am officially to the point of being disappointed in myself, ashamed of myself, etc.  We ate so much CRAP that I shouldn't have over the weekend, it's not even funny.  And I found myself eating stuff because it was there, not because I was hungry.  In fact, I told my husband my stomach was hurting because I ate something while I wasn't even hungry!  I feel so weak.  Like I can't break the cycle of eating that way.  And it's my own fault, I buy the stuff!  My willpower has LOTS to be desired.  

I have hope though.  I have the determination and goal set in my heart.  I will make it there!  I just wish my mind & body would follow what my heart has planned! 


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 79- 285 pounds

Down some today.  My hands don't seem as swollen.  I am sure that is from all the salt-laden things I shouldn't have eaten over the weekend.  But that is over and done with, and I am moving forward.  

I have decided on a few goals to work on.  I have a "vision board" on Pinterest, but since I don't have internet at home (and the phone app sucks!) I don't see it on a daily basis.  So I will make a "physical" vision board of my own by Monday, and I will post it here for you to see.  This "vision board" is anything that will motivate you, keep you positive, and just a tool to help you see what you want to achieve.  So this can have anything from inspirational sayings, pictures of women that look how you want to look, healthy foods you want to make a part of your routine, etc.  

The next goal, hopefully at least attempted by Monday as well, will be to start posting recipes that I have actually tried.  I see all these good looking recipes, and have posted a few, but have never gotten around to trying any of them!  I will keep you updated on the progress.  I know those goals don't really have a lot to do with the actual weight loss aspect of my journey, but in a big way they do.  Part of my problem is that I am a HUGE SUCCESS at being DISORGANIZED.  I used to plan out meals and make a shopping list, and lately I might jot a few things down, but mostly wing it in the store.  I am a horrible housekeeper, and now it has taken over the rest of me as well.  I would rather throw something in the bottom of the closet than take the time to hang it up.... I know...SHOCKING, right??  LOL

Those are the goals right now.  Hopefully they will be complete by Monday, and I can make a new goal, because God forbid I should make more than one or two at a time, He knows I can't accomplish that! This is a work in progress, weight wise as well as mental.  I am a little afraid to make weight goals.  I am still a bit disgusted and horribly disappointed in myself for my weekend.  I am just scared I won't be able to reach the goals, therefore I am working up to setting those.  

Monday, March 19, 2012

Day 78- 288.2 pounds

I am so disgusted by this morning's weight that I almost didn't post it.  I know that some of it is water weight, my rings are so tight on my fingers, but I know 8 pounds isn't water weight!  I thought I was committed to this, and I tell myself that I am, but every week it seems I have posts like this.  It is easier to be the committed one on the weekdays, when I am not tempted to eat what my kids are eating during the day.  That is the problem.  My husband asked me about my weight this morning and I started crying.  Not because I am depressed about it.  But because I am PISSED about the way I have handled things, and not kept track of the calories on the weekends.  I know it's my fault, and that is what makes me even more mad.  I am the one on this journey, not anyone else.  I am the one that has to be focused on the goal, not worry about what everyone else is eating or not eating.  I have to be the one to make this happen!

I know this is a big change in my life, but it would be much better to not fail at all, but if you do, to make sure you fail better the next time.  Which takes me back to something my friend Ashley was told when she started working at the gym by her trainer (verbatim).  This is such a big change, that the statement "the devil is in the details"  pertains.  He told her not to be so concerned at first about all the details, about the caloric intakes, the exercising, etc.  Just be concerned with doing better than you did the day before (or weeks/months).  If you had a soda yesterday, try not to today.  If you walked for 30 minutes yesterday, try 35 today.  It's not all about the details.  It's about doing better than you did yesterday.  (at least that is what I took out of the story Ashley told me...)  I have not been trying very hard.  I stick to my calorie goals during the week, but slack off over the weekend.  Then what do I have to do during the week...make up for the bad choices I made for 3 days over the next 5 days.  

I think my devil is NOT in the details though.  I agree that when you start a journey, sometimes it's hard to get into the groove.  It's hard to go from eating cheeseburgers and fries and a dr. pepper to turkey burgers on wheat buns with sweet potato fries and water.  But if I don't keep track of my calories, I just eat whatever I want.  I was also telling Ashley that last week I kinda got on my soapbox, and was telling everyone what they should do.... and we all know what we should be doing.  Knowing and doing are two VERY different things though.  As my weight today attests to!

Today is another chance to make the change.  No sense in beating yourself up over choices you made yesterday.  Make the right choices today, and you won't feel that way tomorrow.  I am trying my best.  And I am forever human.  I will make mistakes, I will be tempted, and I will indulge....sometimes.  But not always!  I am disgusted with myself today, but I am eating what I am supposed to today.  I am drinking water today (not sweet tea, like over the weekend...).  I am doing things today that will make me proud tomorrow.  I felt somewhat defeated this morning, but the more I thought about it, the more mad I got at myself.  I am not defeated, because I am not done.  

My will is strong.  I have the desire to continue this journey, and I have the will to make the results happen!  

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Day 74- 280.2 pounds

Down very little from yesterday, but still down.  Walked for about 50 minutes yesterday.  My legs are still so sore from Tuesday, it is just crazy!  I am not really looking forward to tonight, when I have to do the same thing as Tuesday.  OUCH!  But you have to do things you sometimes don't like to do, to get the results you are looking for!

Today is probably going to be pretty short.  Don't have a whole lot going on, nothing new.  Just doing what I do, and hope it keeps going down!  I was talking with Ashley at the gym last night, and it's not that I overeat, it is more that I just eat (too much of) the wrong things.  I don't just eat one brownie, I have two.  I don't just get a small french fry (when that craving hits), I make it a super size.  But I am trying to be better.  I am trying to watch the things that I eat, and better with portion control.  I found this graphic and thought it might help someone:

 This picture reminds me of what my trainer Robin says...she says "I am a people.  I eat food."  You can't live on shakes, or protein bars, or microwave meals forever.  You have to be able to maintain your way of eating for the rest of your life!

Enjoy the weather.  Get out and move.  Have a great rest of week!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Day 73-280.4 pounds

Down over 2 pounds from yesterday's weight.  Which is exciting for me!  It's amazing the results you see after not doing what you should be doing for a while. And most of that was my fault, but being sick I couldn't no excuses, just that I didn't do my job for a week, plus being out of the gym (due to sickness and kid commitments) for almost 2 weeks.

I feel a big difference already in my back.  It is much better than what it was.  There is still some pain, but for a few days, it was almost debilitating, where now it is more tolerable.  I also feel a big difference in my legs.  After not working out for that long, and then doing it last night.... the big difference is... is that I FEEL MY LEGS TODAY.  Every time I move!  LOL  I knew it was going to be like starting over again, and that's ok, but wow!

This has got to be a lifestyle change.  I am not going to be able to go back to eating what I did after I lose the weight I want to lose, and keep it off.  I am going to have to find things that I love and can't live without, and maybe make them healthier, that way I can have one...or two!  Here is a link to a site that has "made-over" some desserts!

There is no reason not to be able to find stuff you like, with healthier versions. There are websites all over, there are apps for your phone or tablet. is a free site, has recipes, diet plans, workout plans, etc. I am currently using the app for my food and workout logs.  The think I LOVE about this app is that my friends can join, I can see their progress, and they can see mine, just by logging in...has like a "news feed" at the bottom of the home screen on the app.  

There are no magic pills, there are no magic workouts or belts that are going to melt the fat off you without some effort on your part.  Trust me, I have tried almost EVERY "miracle diet" out there.  I have been on so many different pills, ones that claim you don't have to change the way you eat to lose weight, etc.  They might work for awhile (if they work at all, which most for me DID NOT), but when you stop taking them, guess what!?  You can't (or most of us anyway) eat what you want, when you want, and still maintain a healthy weight.  You have to work at it, whether by watching what you eat, and/or exercising.  I have some friends that are doing this Visalus Shake Challenge.  It is a 90 day challenge.  And I know for fact that this works for them.  I have seen the proof. And I like shakes just as much as the next guy, but don't want to be on them for the rest of my life.  What happens at the end of the 90 days.  You have to keep doing the shakes, you can't go back to whatever you were eating before!  And for some, it is a kickstart to their weight loss, and they love the shakes, and have been using them for years.  And that is fine.  If that is what they want to do.  I will go to a party at some point in time (they have challenge parties, kinda like a Tupperware party, but different! LOL), just to see what  it's all about.  I haven't made it to one yet.  And I may eat my words after I do, but for me, for now, I will stick with eating what I want (either less of or lower fat/calorie versions) and exercise more.  If I want a Blizzard (which I did the other night), I had one.  It happened to be on a night I hadn't been counting, but I got the smallest size.  Where normally I would have gotten a regular or large size.  You make the changes you need to make to make the change in YOU.  This will be your life.  You have to make it tolerable at the very least, or amazing at the most!  You have to be able to LOVE and LIVE the LIFE that YOU WANT!

Make the most of it!  Start small, and work for what you want!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Day 72-282.8 pounds

I'm baaaack!  Already to day 72.  Does not really feel like it has been that long.  Last week was a bad one!  Was sick and exhausted almost all week.  Much better now.  Still have a few sniffles hanging on, but much better!  I was afraid I totally wrecked my progress last week by not weighing and counting my calories.  But I haven't weighed or counted since about last Monday, so I did alot better than I thought!  Down a bit from last week, so that is a good thing!  I haven't been to the gym for over a week as well.  And I am feeling it!  My back has been KILLING me for the last several days, and I am sure that missing the gym is why.  I have tried getting it popped back in, because it was out at one point, but now it just aches.  That is a horrible feeling.  I was getting used to not having my back hurt, but since the gym has been out for a while, it has gone back to that.  I DO NOT MISS THAT AT ALL!  And it's crazy, because for so long it has been an everyday thing.  My husband would ask me what is wrong, I would tell him nothing after awhile, because it hurt every day... it wasn't anything wrong.  I was used to that being a part of my life.  But I was going to the gym, and the pain has subsided more than it has endured, and now I had forgotten how bad it does hurt sometimes!  

So, I am counting and weighing again, as of today!  Sorry for the hiatus, I am sure I was more disappointed than you! LOL

I need to get into making goals for myself.  Right now, I just have the ultimate goal of being healthy and hopefully getting down to 160 by year end.  I made a small goal last month or so, and it didn't get fulfilled, so I kinda got discouraged.  But I need to get back into it.  I need to make some smaller goals for myself, and then work toward reaching those, and not worrying so much on the bigger goal.  I have a goal (at some point) to do a 5k... I would like to reach 10% of my body weight gone (haven't really counted, so not sure how much that is)... I would like to reach a certain size in clothing (but that is for further down the road)... several things are there to reach, but I need to set them and reach them, and not just hope for them!

 This is a very cool idea.  Put a list of things you want to accomplish into a pile (or bucket), and then reach in and choose one, or just go down the list, etc.  I will see if I can find something to make one of my own.  Also, motivation is the key.  Keep something in your mind's eye that you want, and that will motivate you to get it.  Thinking negatively will only get you negative things.  I found this on Pinterest, and thought it was very funny.  I don't advise any of you to do it, unless it would keep you from overeating or midnight snacking...LOL

 My husband and some of my friends get upset with me when I say I am fat, or joke about being overweight.  But if I don't laugh about it at times, it is just depressing.  So many things I can't do because I am overweight.  So many things I don't feel like doing because I am overweight.  I have been (as I have said SO many times on here before) overweight all of my life.  I don't really know anything else.  And through the years, I have learned that if I can't be "light" about my weight, then there probably would have been alot of depression throughout the years.  So many people used to make fun (mostly in school, earlier years), but by the time I was in jr. high or high school, I was to the point that it didn't matter what you said, or what you thought.  I was me, and me was overweight.  No point in  making fun.  It didn't get a rise out of me.  I was over letting it get me down.

I am tired now of it "getting me down".  It has gotten so much more than just my spirits down at my age.  It is getting my body down, it is getting my mind down, it is getting my family down.  I have no energy to do anything, and I am only 32 years old.  It's not getting me down anymore!  I choose to make the difference, and the only regret is that I took so long!

 You have to love yourself.  And if you don't... whether it is your weight, your hair color, your job, your friends, etc... it is up to YOU to change it!  Keep doing the same thing you have always done, you will keep getting the same results you have always gotten!


Friday, March 9, 2012

Blog interrupted momentarily by sickness!!

I do apologize for not keeping up with this for the last several days.  I have not even been weighing or counting calories, so there is no telling what the weight currently is!

I have been sick, been resting and recouping for the last several days.  Will be back in full force on Monday!  I promise!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Day 64-285.4 pounds

Up over 6 pounds from Thursday! But only 5 pounds from Friday, as I gained a pound back in that one day... Kinda bummed today.  I don't feel very good.  I am cramping, and my throat is sore, and I am completely exhausted.  I just want to go home and sleep the rest of the day away!  

Today is going to be pretty short and sweet as I feel like I am going to fall asleep on my keyboard!  Back up some over the weekend.  Hopefully, it is just a bunch of water weight from the monthly visitor.  I will be at the gym tonight, probably just walking.... really don't know if I have the energy for much more than that!  

I am trying not to get discouraged.  I just wish it would come off and stay off at a better rate.  But that is my fault, I need to work harder on my food choices.  They have been pretty good overall, but sometimes my cravings get the better of me!  

Thank you all for being along with me on this journey...

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Day 60-278 pounds!!

Down over a pound from yesterday!  That is really exciting!  My friend, Erin said to me the other night that she can't believe that I weigh myself every day.  It gives me motivation.  Even if it is just 0.2 or maybe stays the same for a day or two, it tells me that what I am doing is working.  As long as it is not creeping back up, then I am eating OK and my workouts are working.  We all have to find what works for us.  I see slight changes is my body, I feel like my stomach doesn't rub against the treadmill as much, or against my shirts as much.  But my pants are fitting about the same.  I don't really see much change in my body, so the scale is what tells me I am doing something right.  I think at month 3 I will take some more pictures and post, see if I notice anything there...

I sweat more than some anyway, but even walking on the treadmill, at a normal pace, I sweat more than most.  I have posted a picture before that says if you look good after your workout, that you didn't do it right.  I have no problem fulfilling that, most time I look like I just stepped out of a really hot shower, my hair is wet, and my face is beet red.  I look around the gym at other people working out, and most of them sweat and get red-faced, but there are others that look like they just stepped out, all fresh from the morning grooming.  Kinda makes me mad, but on the other hand, even though I may not look the best, I know and I feel I got the best workout I could in.  So, ladies, don't be afraid to sweat, no one cares what you look like coming out of a gym.  No one cares what you look like at the gym.  They are there for them, you need to be there for you!  

There is a book that I love, and I am not sure if I have mentioned it before, but it is called the Secret.  This book is about the law of attraction.  You think positive, you attract positive.  You think negative, you attract negative.  It has some very inspiring quotes, from some very important figures from our history. You have to know you can do whatever it is you set your mind to.  Even the way you think positive has an effect.  The one they mention in the book is about bills.  If you are behind on your bills, and you are hoping the mail doesn't bring you more, you will get you are thinking about the bills.  If you think about a check, and not a bill....well then there is hope!  Kinda lame I know, but if you think I hope I don't look like this the rest of my life, you are going to look like that the rest of your life.  If you think... I am going to be fit, and attractive (to others and YOURSELF), then you will be fit and attractive.  You have to THINK POSITIVE in the right way, otherwise your positive thinking will have negative effects.

You have to work for what you want.  YOU have to decide to be the change you want to be.  Make the choices that help you in your dream!