Thursday, June 26, 2014

This is me...

This is less of a rant and more of a therapy session for myself, I think...

So, I've had a LOT of time to think about some things lately.  First off being I am really down lately. I am normally one of the most positive people, always glass half full, not worrying about things because worry never solve anything.  But I find myself sitting at home crying for no reason, driving down the road crying for no reason, taking a shower crying for no I think I just need to get some things off my chest and maybe clear the air for me some.

I think the heaviest thing weighing on me right now is how some members of my family seem to think that it's ok to pick and choose when they want to be a part of my life.  I have certain members that have not seen or had a conversation with me or my children since around 2008. And this was in part due to the person that I was involved with, then later married to...again.  This is my theory on this situation...  I am not perfect, and I have made more mistakes than I care to count.  But, there is NOTHING in this WHOLE WIDE WORLD that would make me not want to talk to or see my children or grandchildren. I am sure in the future there will be times that I do not agree with decisions they make or the people they date, but I would freakin' suck it up, possibly make my opinions known, but still make EVERY effort to be in their lives. I don't care how old they are, they are my children and I will love them unconditionally.  That being said, I feel like I was given up on and tossed away because I was trying to be happy and working on my family. Even if I'm not in a relationship with him, guess what, he will be in my life, he is the father of my children and there are things we have to do and decisions we have to make together, as parents. You don't have to like my decisions, you don't have to approve of my decisions, but dammit... as a parent IT IS REQUIRED that you love and support your children.  I guess I might not ever understand... because now that we are separated again, they are trying to be a part of my life again. That's not the way this is supposed to work...

Second off...I seem to have lost several friends over the years. I don't have any real close friends like I used to. I have one I love very much, and that friendship is fairly new, we've only known each other for 6 months, but feels like much longer.  I miss the friends that I had, and part of that is my fault for leaving the state like I did last year, because some of the friends I feel I lost, I worked with and when I left my job, the friendships went with it.  Unrelated friendship...I went driving the other day to try to clear my head and drove past an old friends house, someone I have known since I was about 12 or so, someone I spent many, many nights just talking about anything and everything.  I even saw him outside as I passed his house, but unfortunately I didn't feel I was close enough to him anymore to even stop and say hi.  That hurt my heart more than you can imagine. As much as I cherish the friend that is my soul sister here in Lebanon, I can't wait to move back to Camdenton so I might be able to build some of those friendships back up. I miss you...

And work hours are stressing me to no end. I freakin' LOVE what I do, but working nights and only sleeping 3, 4, sometimes up to 6 hours (if I'm lucky) is taxing my mind, my body and my soul.  I have been looking for a daytime position for months now, and nothing is opening up for me and I am getting very frustrated.  My boys don't like to be at my house when I am working because I sleep half the day away when they are there, which I completely understand, I wouldn't want to be there either if I were them. They have been living with their dad and just visiting me on my weekends/days off and that is taking a huge toll on me as well.  I have never been away from them for any length of time, and I miss them more than I can ever say. They are the main reason I am moving back to Camdenton as soon as I can. They both want to go to school there, and if I am in another school district, then they can't be with me whenever they want, and that really does not work for me. I am a mother, first and foremost...there's not a lot I know how to do besides be a mother, that's all I have ever been...and I think I'm good at it. At least I hope so...

It's funny I am writing this on the blog that I started back when I started a weight loss journey a couple years that is another thing that has me unhappy.  I am overweight, I feel terrible most days, I have headaches, and back aches and knee pain.  I hate the way I look, but I've always given up on being healthy. I'll eat right, go to the gym, lose some weight, feel better, then something always gets in the way, just life normally, but I let it...not an excuse, just the truth. You know, I watch some of these weight loss shows on television and they all say that there are things inside that make us the way we are on the outside. Things in our lives that make us overeat, not feel worthy of being healthy, and I used to think that I didn't have any of that stuff. I had a pretty happy childhood, I was not abused mentally or physically. I was pretty physically active, playing with my brother and cousins a lot. My mother told me that I became anorexic at a very young age because of something someone said to me about eating too much or something of the sort. Then after that was under control....I don't know, I guess she didn't want it to happen again so I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted.  I don't remember being anorexic, but I don't remember a whole lot from before I was about 5 or 6 years old.  But anyway, back to the whole "things on the inside" that make us the way we are....I've tried every get thin quick idea out there, I've been on prescription medication, over the counter medication, tried almost every "diet," bought books upon books, and workout dvd's, gym memberships....but every time I give up on myself.  Maybe it was because my mother and biological father divorced when I was young and as far as I know, he made no real attempt to be in my life...he gave up on me.  As an adult I cannot count the times my mother has not spoken for me for given lengths of time because of decisions I've made...she gave up on me. My marriage has not ended once, but twice....we gave up on each other.  I want to be there for my kids, I don't want to die at an early age and not be there for them....I don't want them to feel like I gave up on them.

So this is me....getting all this out.  Putting all this hurt on paper (digital paper) and hoping that it helps relieve some of the worry, hurt and stress I've had the last several months.

This is me, standing up and taking back my life.

This is me, wanting to be loved....deserving to be loved.

This is me, starting over...again.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Long Time No See

It has been awhile since I have posted on here.  Just thought I would write a quick note to let you know I am still alive!  I have still been drinking my shakes, most days twice a day, sometimes once a day.   The problem has been that I have been at the ball field most nights of the week, busy catching up on housework on the weekends (as well as trying to catch up rest, sleep and sanity.  Had some changes at work, so now I am training a new person to do my old job, as well as learning a new position, and working an extra hour a day there. 

As well as the fact that I have not been eating dinners and snacks like I should.  Have been eating junk food, drinking soda and sweet tea.

I am over 6 months into this year, and have only lost a total of probably 10 pounds.  I have not weighed recently, so that may not even be accurate.  I am so disappointed in myself, but life has gotten in the way so many times, that it is easier to just give in. 

Willpower is a problem.  Especially for me.  I know I have to make getting fit my life, but I have lived 33 years unfit, and the change is hard.  I never said it was going to be easy, and I am ready to make the change.  I see the difference in my body now that I have gained some of the weight back.  I feel like my stomach sticks out even more than it used to.  It makes me sick.  But I feel so defeated.  I am getting up at 5:30 am to be at work early, getting off at 5:00 pm, either to the ball fields or home first, then to the fields, practice for 2 hours, then home for dinner and trying to relax a bit before bed. 

We have a little over 2 more weeks of baseball.  I am hoping once that slows down a bit, I can get back into the gym after workdays.  I was trying to go in the morning, but that only happened two or three times, then kaput.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this, but if you are please know that I know that you are probably going through the same things I am.  And you are probably making time for the gym, and I am not.  I know alot of people out there who make time, but I just can't seem to right now.  I know part of that is my energy levels, and most of that problem is my diet.  I will change it, but for now convenience food is of course more convenient. 

Don't give up on me.  I haven't given up on myself, even though I don't like the choices I am making and am disappointed in myself.  I will keep on trying, and will succeed eventually!

Friday, June 15, 2012

Running Behind

As usual.... I have been pretty lax in my blogging lately, and that is because I have been completely exhausted from baseball games every stinkin' night of the week and practices twice on Saturday.  SO, have made a statement to my husband that come Monday I will be eating nothing that I am not supposed to.  Have been eating at the ball field alot... snacks and stuff.  Will either have to eat at home/work before the games, take a small (healthy) snack with me, and/or eat when I get home at 9:00 pm.  Gonna suck, and take some more energy, but hopefully eating better and getting (slowly) back to the gym... all will be well.

So, hope to see you more next week, and every week after!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Another Day Closer...

I had the day off from work yesterday to get some things accomplished.  Met with a friend in the morning for a hopefully lucrative new venture, then hung out with my hubby, and then the dentist.  Always love getting good news (:P), ie. root canal, deep cleaning, and a crown needed. Yippee for me!

We got up early this morning (5:00 a.m.) and went to the gym.  That gives us time to get there and back, and to work out for about 45 minutes to an hour.  Might have to start getting up earlier once I get back into this, there were times when I needed an hour and a half to get all my stuff done.  So we shall see how the morning routine sticks it out.  I did walk a bit faster today.  Tuesday was at 2.0 mph and a 2.0 incline, today was at 2.5 mph and a 1.5 incline starting out, then went up to 2.7 mph.  I will get back to where I was, just have to take it one step at a time...  I definitely still need to work on my food choices.  The shakes are working well for me, I am not hungry on them, they fill me up, and taste great, of course.  It's the time in between the end of work at dinner time that is an obstacle for me.  Especially when I am at the ball field almost every night.  I get a little hungry, and of course don't have any healthy snacks with me, so I get some nachos, or a pretzel, or a candy bar... and then I eat dinner when we get home.

Having some issues with my scale.  Not sure it is because of the uneven boards in my bathroom or because it is ready for a new battery, but this morning I weighed first at 286.4 and was so disgusted.  Then my husband asked what was wrong, so I told him that I had gained weight.  He then told me he weighed the other day 3 times in a 5 minute period, and each time was different.  So I wiped off the bottom of the scale, put it on a flatter spot on the floor and re-weighed, and weighed in at 285.2 pounds.  Which is 0.4 pounds down from Tuesday.  My hands were really swollen again this morning (was hardly able to move my rings), so really need to start watching my salt I guess.

Time is short today, so that will be all.  Baseball again tonight.  Hopefully once that is all done, I will be able to get myself a bit more organized so this can go a bit smoother and quicker.  Just never seems to get done with all the other stuff going on...

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A New Start

So, I feel like I am starting the whole journey over again as of today.  My husband and I got up early and went to the gym.  I walked (slowly) for 45 minutes straight.  I was a little frustrated at walking so slow, but felt if I went faster I wouldn't have been able to make it as long.  Plus, for the last 3 days my calf muscles have been crying out because of all the stairs/walking I did on Saturday.  They are still sore today!  I was feeling I was going as fast as I could, but was pissed at myself for not going faster because I started out at faster than that at the beginning of the year!

I have gained back alot of the weight I had lost.  I am only down a total of 11 pounds since my start at the first of the year.  But I am starting over.  I am determined to do what works for me.  Weighing every day works for me.  The ViSalus shakes work for me.  Working out works for me.  Counting the days does not work for me.  So, as of today, I will not be posting how many days I have been going (and let's face, I lost count a month or so ago!).  I will however, be posting my weight.  Today's weight was 285.6 pounds.  I have dealt with the fact that I may not reach my initial goal of losing 125 pounds by the end of the year.  But there are lots of people out there that lose 100 pounds in 6 months, and do it healthy.  So, I have no excuses not to reach my goal.  I am still gung ho on reaching that, but I am resigned to the fact that it just may not happen.  So whatever weight I reach, I will reach it healthy.  I will eventually reach the 125 pounds lost mark, but it may not be this year.  Small goals will be set, and I will reach them as I can.  I will be smart about what I eat, how I fuel my body, and the rest will come!

Someone asked me the other day what I was waiting for.  That I can make the choices or make the excuses.  And I know I have had so many lately.  I own up to the fact that I "cannot" find the way to make it to the gym.  Also, I think a part of me is kinda scared.  I have never been fit, or skinny or whatever you want to call it.  My husband always asks me when I lose all this weight, if I will still be with him or go find some hot young stud?!  I think I have that same fear... when I lose all this weight (and he has never seen me fit...) is he still gonna want me?  I know that is kinda a really irrational fear, cuz who wouldn't want a hot wife, right?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Day 27 of 90

So tomorrow marks 4 weeks into my challenge.  Again, not looking forward to weighing in.  Still haven't been getting to the gym, still haven't been doing the videos at home.  Have been trying to walk at the ball park, but doesn't always happen. 

I feel like this blog has just became a whining board for me.  I don't ever seem to be getting anywhere, and I know that is my own fault.  I am sorry for those of you that read this!

I only have 2 more weeks or so of ball games, hopefully the gym portion of my journey will open back up a bit!  I had some more tools given to me by Kassi with the ViSalus company.  She hooked me up with some protein packed chocolate chip cookies, which are divine, as well as some energy "stuff" and some appetite control.  Today is the first day using these tools.  The one thing I can say so far... I took one of the energy packets at lunch as I was yawning during my lunch hour.  I don't remember yawning since.  I wasn't really feeling tired, just yawning.  But again, no yawning. 

Things have been a little crazy around my house lately, I have had alot of things going on, alot of things NOT going on, and it has been a little stressful and hectic.  I am hoping things will get back on track soon.  Wish it was something I had control over, then I would just fix it.  But alas, tis not... so I will wait it out, and hope for some good news soon.

Thanks to everyone for hanging with me on this journey.  It hasn't really been going as planned- weight loss, working out, cooking, or this blog, but I will get it lined out soon.  It's a trial and error, seems like more error than trial on my part, but still working for it!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Day 20 of 90

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks into my challenge.  I am not looking forward to weighing myself tomorrow.  I will measure tomorrow as well.  I am hoping for some change in inches, as the scale is betraying me!  LOL  I am a little scared that the inches will not have changed either, but that is completely my fault too, so no one to blame but me!  I think my mindset has taken a vacation.  At the beginning of the year, I was going to the gym everyday.  I enjoyed going to the gym everyday.  It's not that I have changed my mindset, I still want to see this through.  I just think that it's taken some time off.  And I don't really have time for that.  I have a certain goal, and unfortunately, I am not sure I will reach my initial goal by the end of the year.  I just have to get my mind, body, and heart back on track and I can reach my goal.  Maybe not by the end of the year, but I will reach it nonetheless.  

I am the creator of my own destiny.  I am the one that makes the decisions on how I live my life.  And I want to live my life to the fullest.  With that being said, decisions on my part need to be made.  Motivation and determination need to be the new mindset.  I know how hard it is growing up overweight.  I don't want my kids to have to endure that pain and rejection that many of us have went through.  On a positive note, being overweight through school has "toughened" me up a bit.  Things don't get to me like they used to.  When something happens that I don't like, I deal with it and move on.  I don't dwell on things too long.  I have learned that being upset about what people say about you, or dwelling on an argument you have had, just takes time away from you being happy or being productive.  I have been ridiculed my entire life, mostly over my weight.  But let me tell you one thing... I promise I know what it is like.  I have went through it all.  In school, not only was I overweight, but I wore glasses, and had braces.  So trust me... I have been where you have been, I have went through what you have went through.  

When you look in the mirror, see what you want to see.  See what's in the inside, and it will project to the outside.  As long as you are happy with who you are, inside and out, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  

I am overdue on my readiness for change.  I have been ready for change for years.  I just haven't really worked for the change.  I will get my motivation back, whether it likes it or not!  I just have to be tough with it.  I have to be tough with myself.  I will have to deprive myself of the things that I think I want.  That cookie, that cake, those chips are not worth it.  Today, the change comes back!!