Monday, January 9, 2012

Day 8- 291.6 pounds (Emotional Eating)

I was really nervous about this past weekend.  It was the first weekend on the diet.  It was also the start of that wonderful womanly thing.  We women know how crazy we can get with cravings for sweet or salty on those first few days.  I had no cravings, I had no urges to break into the the bag of chips that is sitting in the cupboard.  I am pretty proud of myself.  I am of course a little disappointed that the scale didn't budge all weekend, but I figure with that time (and all the water weight, bloating, etc, that is associated with it) of the month coming along, and not gaining anything, I ROCKED IT! LOL!

I made homemade pizzas for the family on Friday night.  They turned out better than the boys  (and Andy) thought they would.  They liked them so much, we had them again Sunday night.  Here's what I used for my 390 calorie personal pizza:

1-Whole wheat pita
Hunt's low-sodium tomato sauce
Garlic powder to taste
Italian seasoning to taste
Green bell pepper
Canadian bacon (1/2 serving was plenty!)
Black olives
2% Shredded cheese

Bake at 400 degrees for about 8-10 minutes.

I did not feel like I was eating diet food with this.  I was completely full afterward.  I did not feel deprived at all!  And, the boys got to make their own and help with dinner, so it was a family friendly meal!!

Went to the gym Friday and Saturday, but did not go on Sunday.  We went grocery shopping for over 2 hours, plus laundry and some housework, so I figured one day of not walking was ok.  We will be back at it tonight!  I am going to start adding some weight training in there, as recommended by a few of the "coaches". 

I had a very good and dear friend message me on Facebook about my day 4 post, about disease vs. disorder.  She has a very good point, and that is that something is triggering my overeating, her suggestion: depression.  I agree with her partially.  We have a good enough relationship that she told me if she was off base, then that's fine, but that is what she has struggled with.  I am not saying that I don't "emotional eat".  Because I would probably be lying if I said that.  I have never been "depressed" really.  I may get down, and SOMETIMES I eat when those feelings come on.  She mentioned there are reasons we all overeat.  I am sure deep down there are feelings of hurt and heartache over not having a "fit" childhood.  I was always the overweight girl.  Ever since 1st grade or so...  There may be some resentment that my father and mother got divorced when I was young, and for some reason he chose to be with other children and not his own.  There is also some feelings of abandonment there, but I have lived with that for years, I don't think that is what is making me eat.  There's also the feelings of hurt that I haven't talked with my mother for over 3 years now, because she does not agree with my choices.  It hurts me that she doesn't have contact with her grandchildren because she can't get over her grudges.  It hurts me that my children hurt. 

But I still don't believe those are reasons I eat.  I don't go to a Super Bowl Party and have a really great time and see a bounty of food in front of me and think how bad I have it, so I have another plate of nachos.  I am having a good time, my friends are having a good time, and they are all eating, therefore I eat.  I don't go to a restaurant with my family that has the best ever artichoke dip and think that my life is not going as planned, so I eat the whole thing.  My family is there, we are spending quality time together, everyone is eating, and I am too.  I guess you could say I am more of a PEER PRESSURE eater.  I have cravings just like anyone else does, but just because I am overweight there must be an underlying reason that I eat too much.  I eat too much because it TASTES SO DARN GOOD!!!

I just have to change the way I view food.  I, like many of you that read this, grew up where we all had family gatherings, and they all centered (or still center) around food.  You have a Christmas dinner, or a 4th of July BBQ, or a family reunion that is a potluck.  I was raised on the reasoning that if you got together with your family, you must be eating, and eating those down-home, home-grown recipes we all love to hate (at least after we are done eating!).

I am not trying to deny that there are things I probably need to work on or deal with, but I don't believe those things have anything to do with MY weight issues.  I understand there are those out there that this applies to, and healing and solving those problems, solves the food issues.  I just don't believe that is the case with ME.  I do appreciate all the help and support and advice that has been given, and I do take everything anyone says to heart.  And I do thank my good friend for saying something (as I know her speaking out means that she loves me), because we did live together for a year, we did try to lose weight together, and try to eat smart (and in college, that was HARD to do!).  And we did it, we both lost weight, we both were healthier for it!

I have gotten to the point in my life that what is important is keeping myself and my husband and my kids happy and healthy.  I have for several years now not really cared what people think of me and the decisions I have made.  I figure if they want to be a part of my life, they will work to make that happen, just as if I want to be a part of someone else's life, I work to achieve that.  I make the effort.  I have long since forgiven my biological father for leaving.  I still don't understand it, and may never, and that is ok.  I have long since forgiven those that made fun of me in school for being heavy, or those that didn't want to be friends or be seen with the fat girl.  I have forgotten that my mother does not want to be a part of my life because of the person I have chosen as my life partner.  That is her choice to not be in my life (and of consequence, the life of her grandchildren).

That stuff doesn't matter to me, because that is not what is focus in my life.  
My life is focused on my children.  And my husband.  And the health of myself.  
So I can be there to share in their joys for as long as they will have me. 

Whew!  Glad that's over, that was kinda depressing.  I try to not be negative, I try to not surround myself with the negativity that brings me down.  That is hard to do, when some people I am around seem to be clouded in negativity.  But that is when you focus on what you are working toward.  Focus on what is important to you, and all the rest just goes away and doesn't dampen your world. 

I read this on Pinterest, not really sure where the original post or author came from but I loved it:
You can NEVER out-exercise a bad diet.

Here's to living for what is in the future, and forgetting (after learning from it of course) what is in the past!

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